October 11th, 2008

after few drinks and wacth a friend puke that made me cry, i'm thinking that if everybody will care, no one, no single person will suffer. i feel for her so much that i can't watch her puke her heart out just to make sure that when she gets home she'll be asleep right away. that nothing, even a text message from him would make her empty and angry once again. i cried. i did. if only i could love her the way that guy loved her before. if only i could be that guy. but im not. coz im her friend. and im gay.

*****************

i went home empty. opened up my fave sites out of boredom and hoping to catch up some guys. opened up my facebook. and checked photos of my most recent added friend. my sunshine. the ever shining 50 cents. that's what my teammates, friends call him. don't ask why.

he's one of the bosses in our office. i once thought that he's feeling the same way the way i feel for him. infatuation.crush or might be love. we exchanged glances. had awkward moments like who's gonna smile first. and just stared to each other's eyes and waiting who's going to shy away first.

i heard rumors about him being gay-that he has an ex who was an ex of this gay on the floor..yadiyadida..and i thought even better.

but seeing his pictures on his account again and again with this always resent guy. i thought this might be his "other half". and again. just now, just before i started wrtiing all of this. i told myself, again, 'wag ka na kasing umasa'...

and just like wall.e did.. i held my hands coz i'm feeling lonely....

can't even sleep.

**************

i lost our dog. my dog.

Yeng.

your bark annoys me especially when i'm trying to get my nap.

you smell sometimes.

i love the way you look at me like you'll alaways gonna need me.

for food. touch. company. and again food.

you lick my toes when it's time to wake up.

you hide behind the sofa, tv set, when you've done something nasty.

you're always the first one to go out if you see us dressing up. you sense it.

you were happy when we had piolo as your brother, playmate and later on your husband.

i wasn't there when they got him coz he grew up so big my mom can't have his hair anywhere in the house any longer.

i felt your loss. but still you welcome me everytime i go home. you kept that nagmamayabang na tahol.

we were so happy, when we knew you were impregnated by piolo. at least he left you with love.

my father was there whenyou gave birth. he was in tears. you have four cute lil puppies.

that fateful morning, when God took you away, i cannot bear the thought that you waited and fought for your breath just to bid good bye to my mom and sis. they could not hold you any longer. you were gasping for breath fighting for your life. i don't  know if i was saved from witnessing your death. but i would, and you know, i could have been there. but i wasnt. and im in so much pain now yeng coz i'll miss you.i'll miss you.everything about you..

my friends told me all dogs go to heaven. it gives me comfort knowing you'll be watching over your pups. and dont worry, we will be their mommies...

************************